When relationships become tense and those in the relationship can’t agree on the things necessary for the conflict to end then a third party such as a Relationship Therapist becomes necessary. In modern day Toronto people are under enormous pressure to make ends meet by working long hours to find they are only making enough money to make ends meet. It often takes more than one person per household to be able to accomplish even that. Due to the lack of time and lack of resources and the subsequent stress produced relationships suffer. For instance when a couple have little time for each other since both work as unromantic as it sounds they must book time into their busy schedules for each other. Failure to do so over a prolonged period can mean the demise of the relationship or marriage. When couples in a marriage have conflict it becomes even more necessary for the couple to spend time with each other. However, many are reluctant to do so because they avoid the conflict and so would not deliberately place themselves in the midst of the other warring party.
Often one person seeks couples counselling by contacting a Marriage Therapist with concerns that the marriage is in trouble and with fears that the other party will not agree to attend. Sometimes I have the one party attend for a few sessions while they encourage their partner to join in. In my opinion a marriage or relationship should rarely be called finished before marriage counselling has been tried. There are plenty of qualified Marriage and Family Therapist in Toronto to choose from. A Couples Therapist should at times encourage the parties of a couple to seek individual counselling while they attend couples counselling together. This is especially necessary when personality issues, issues stemming from difficult relationships with parents or issues stemming from negative experiences in a past relationship with another partner are prominent. It also helps the couples relationship to develop in marriage counselling when each can discuss the issues surfacing in couples counselling with their own individual therapist.
As a Couples Therapist I try to understand what the needs of each of the parties in conflict are, the needs of the marriage or relationship, the needs of each from one another and the obstacles that are interfering with the fulfillment of these needs. Often all of these needs were for the most part met in the beginning of the relationship so a skilled Marriage Counsellor will be able to determine what the relationship should approximate when issues are resolved. However, based on the strengths of the individuals in the couple the needs of the relationship can be met in novel ways that are tried out in Couples Therapy.
Communication breaks down as needs are not met and resentments and grudges accumulate. Often the score is even but each party feels that they have been most slighted. The skilled Marriage Counsellor will allow the couples to see that both parties have been hurt, unearth the motives for the conflict as to depersonalize the issues and help the couple work to put resentments behind them. As the couple form a new partnership in the fight against an old maladaptive relationship style they in essence become partners in fight against the common enemy-the old relationship and the Marriage Therapist leads the front of each attack on the way.
Communication skills are often effective in undertaking the process of reconciliation and the fight against the old way of being together. One of many examples that a Marriage Therapist might use is to have each person paraphrase the other. This means that the parties have to listen to each other and reflect what is said in their own words back to one another. By doing this the focus of what is being said is on reconciliation as well as acknowledgment of each others needs. This method prevents the couple in therapy from listening to the other party while they take the content of what is being said and use it to formulate a defensive attack. This is the very pattern that Marriage Counselling aims to stop.